The Trouble with a Memento
Birthday Wish
Another birthday stolen
the tragedy pierces clean and fresh,
yet
I refuse to raise a glass
that symbol of habit cries cruelty today,
no truth in that act
so let’s just chat
tease me with the breeze
the way you do.
It’s been another bumpy year,
I hope it’s not rude to say that
thinking it’s easier on your end than mine
keeps me sane,
your omnipresence still plays games
dipping toes in and out of
troublesome waters.
I dreamt last night I was building blocks of
a new life under your witness,
a kingdom of colour and ethereal wonder
rising meteorically from the boardgame I made
for the last birthday of yours we shared,
I felt your blessing smooth our shoulders.
Your guidance has flowered,
flourished a little tangly and grown,
a maze of vine and brilliant petal
blinds blooming pink and purple blossom
obscuring my sight.
I can’t see this road too well
still stumbling sloppily in the dark.
I once looked to conceive your passage
in the lonely starry night
or fumble for your call
in clouds that bleared my eyes
most often when I stumbled,
always when I would fall.
I was looking in the wrong places
to feel something real and
now I do I guess you do too?
Your etching that beautiful scar
on my soul’s lining,
that eternal landscape on the fragile life’s mural.
I don’t know if you approve
or even if I do
but you’re my shining light
you wouldn’t steer me down a sunless tunnel
cause you’re here and there and
present in the beauty
you scrubbed my eyes open to,
alive in the hearts you touched forever,
awake in me till my body keels,
my only wish is to one day
paint a similar mark on another.
So I’m not raising a glass tonight
it is ill-fitting to memento
what’s always there giggling, teasing,
guiding,
keeping me alive in a way
far less important than
your permanence.
I finally understand what my mother told me
that awful time you left us,
and I left myself for a bit till
I was shown a way back,
that you can never fill a heart.
A thing I could never grasp because
it’s all yours
but you gifted me a bit back and
just like I’m eternally yours
for that
I’m eternally grateful.
I love you
and I’ll see you soon.
Happy Birthday Angel.
x
